deep, random, humourous thoughts from the mind of the fish

Author Archive

mime

“WHEN I WAS A KID I WANTED TO GROW UP TO BE A MIME ARTIST. BUT I HAD TO GIVE IT UP, BECAUSE I JUST STRUGGLED SO MUCH TO PAINT THOSE INVISIBLE ROPES AND BOXES.”

[BRETT ANDY]


poverty

“THIS ‘WAR ON POVERTY’ IDEA SEEMS A LITTLE UNFAIR AS THE POOR DON’T REALLY HAVE GOOD ACCESS  TO DECENT WEAPON TECHNOLOGY.”

[BRETT ANDY]


dawn

“I HAD WAITED UP ALL NIGHT TO SEE THIS SUPPOSED “MAGICAL SUNRISE”, BUT HOUR AFTER HOUR, I COULDN’T UNDERSTAND WHERE THE SUN WAS HIDING. THEN SUDDENLY IT DAWNED ON ME.”

[BRETT ANDY]


carriage

“NICE GIRL,” THOUGHT PRINCE CHARMING TO HIMSELF, AS THEY DANCED CHEEK TO CHEEK, “BUT KINDA SMELLS LIKE PUMPKIN!”

[BRETT ANDY]


fall

“AS SPRING CONTINUED TO PROGRESS SOMEWHAT MEDIOCRELY, HUMPTY DUMPTY REMINISCED ABOUT THE GREAT FALL HE’D HAD JUST MONTHS AGO.”

[BRETT ANDY]


new

“I’VE ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT THE GNU FAMILY CELEBRATES ON JANUARY FIRST?”

[BRETT ANDY]


biology

“MR POTATO HEAD TOOK ONE LAST LOOK AT HIS REFLECTION IN THE MIRROR, BUT NOTHING COULD CHANGE THE TRUTH STARING BACK AT HIM. HIS HEAD WAS ALSO HIS BUTT.”

[BRETT ANDY]

 


cactus

“HIS FRIENDS WATCHED AS BILLY’S LIFELESS BODY SLUMPED TO THE GROUND, EACH OF THE THOUSAND BLOOD DROPLETS EVIDENCE OF A CORRESPONDING CACTUS SPIKE. AND THUS TREE-HUGGING WAS PROPOSED.”

[BRETT ANDY]


dots

“AS I FINISHED JOINING THE DOTS AND STOOD BACK TO ADMIRE MY HANDIWORK, I WONDERED IF MY COUSIN LAURA, PRESENTLY RECOVERING FROM THE MEASLES, WOULD APPRECIATE IT AS MUCH AS I DID WHEN SHE WOKE UP.”

[BRETT ANDY]


wound

“I HEARD ‘THYME HEALS ALL WOUNDS,’ BUT WHEN I RUBBED SOME OF IT INTO MY CUT LAST NIGHT IT JUST LEFT ME WITH THIS NASTY RASH.”

[BRETT ANDY]

 

 


cloud

“AS THE CLOUDS STARTED TO GATHER, YOU COULD TELL BY THE LOOKS ON THEIR FACES THAT THIS WAS GOING TO BE ONE SERIOUSLY INTENSE MEETING.”

[BRETT ANDY]


red

“THE BLEEDING STOPPED. FROM THEN ON, IT WAS SIMPLY “RUDOLPH.”

[BRETT ANDY]


openings

“AS TIM UNWRAPPED HIS LAST CHRISTMAS GIFT, HE SUDDENLY THOUGHT TO HIMSELF, “PERHAPS I SHOULD HAVE LEFT THAT TO THE PEOPLE I BOUGHT THEM FOR.”

[BRETT ANDY]


salmon

“SAMMY  STOPPED FOR A MOMENT, THOUGHT QUIETLY TO HIMSELF BEFORE SLOWLY TURNING AROUND AND TAKING OFF DOWNSTREAM. “HEY! STOP EVERYBODY!” HE SHOUTED AS HE SWAM BY. “WE’VE BEEN DOING IT WRONG!” ‘

[BRETT ANDY]


baby

‘ “STOP THROWING THE BABY OUT WITH THE BATHWATER!”  HANK KNEW THAT HIS WIFE WAS RIGHT. THAT WAS THE THIRD BABY THEY’D LOST ALREADY THIS WEEK.’ 

[BRETT ANDY]


face

“DEPUTY COLLINS REALISED HIS ERROR INSTANTLY AND TRIED TO BACKTRACK. BUT IT WAS TOO LATE. IN THE NOTORIOUSLY VIOLENT CITY OF DRY GULCH HE HAD JUST STARED SOME OF THE MOST HARDENED FIGHTERS HE HAD EVER KNOWN DIRECTLY IN THE EYES AND ASKED IF ANY OF THEM WERE BRAVE ENOUGH TO HELP HIM FORM A POSSUM.”

[BRETT ANDY]


balls

“THEY SAY YOU SHOULD GRAB LIFE BY THE BALLS, WHICH IS TRUE, BUT ALSO NEVER CONFUSE LIFE WITH ANOTHER MAN.”

[BRETT ANDY]


logic

“TWO ROADS DIVERGED IN THE WOODS AND I, I TOOK THE ONE LESS INFESTED BY HIDDEN ROBOT NINJA ZOMBIE ATTACK DOGS. AND THAT HAS MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE.”

[BRETT ANDY]


lightbulb

“AS KERMIT THE FROG STUDIED THE X-RAYS, ALL OF A SUDDEN HIS LACK OF CHILDHOOD MEMORIES STARTED TO MAKE A LOT MORE SENSE.”

[BRETT ANDY]


robot

“I HAD NEVER SEEN A GROWN WOMAN DOING THE ROBOT DANCE WITH SUCH PRECISION AND CONVICTION AND SO AS SOON AS SHE WAS FINISHED I STOOD UP AND APPLAUDED WITH ALL MY MIGHT.  SUDDENLY SHE DREW MY ATTENTION TO THE ‘FASTEN SEAT BELT’ LIGHT FLASHING ABOVE MY HEAD.”

[BRETT ANDY]


stand

“AS GENERAL CUSTER STUDIED THE LOSSES COLUMN, HE REALISED THIS WAS PROBABLY THE END OF HIS ATTEMPTS AT MAKING IT HUGE IN THE LEMONADE BUSINESS.”

[BRETT ANDY]


swan

“AS THE UGLY DUCKLING CAUGHT SIGHT OF HIS REFLECTION IN THE POND, HE SMILED QUIETLY TO HIMSELF. NEVER AGAIN WOULD HE BE CALLED THAT HORRIBLE NAME. AND HE WAS RIGHT. FROM THAT DAY FORWARD IT WAS ‘THE UGLY SWAN’ ALL THE WAY.”

[BRETT ANDY]


seafood

“AS THE BLIND LADY ENTERED THE SEAFOOD RESTAURANT, SHE PONDERED THE IRONY.”

[BRETT ANDY]


toast

“AS I COMPLETED MY TOAST TO THE BRIDESMAIDS, THE USHERS GRABBED MY ARMS AND ESCORTED ME OUT OF THE CHURCH.”

[BRETT ANDY]