deep, random, humourous thoughts from the mind of the fish

Author Archive

tiger

“I STARED AT THE MAN EATING TIGER AND BEGAN TO WONDER IF THIS RESTAURANT WAS A TAD TOO EXOTIC FOR MY SIMPLE TASTES.”

[BRETT ANDY]


breath

“AS THE NOOSE TIGHTENED, IT FELT LIKE MY BREATH WAS BEING FORCED OUT OF MY LUNGS AND MY WHOLE LIFE FLASHED INSTANTLY BEFORE ME. WAIT, NOT ‘NOOSE’, I MEAN ‘NECKTIE’.”

[BRETT ANDY]


dog

“THE TAXIDERMIST’S DOG SEEMED TO HAVE AN INSATIABLE APPETITE. HE WOULD EAT AND EAT AND NEVER SEEM TO BE GETTING ENOUGH. THEN ONE DAY HE WAS STUFFED.”

[BRETT ANDY]


open

“AS I MOVED MY COMPUTER MOUSE ICON OVER VARIOUS FOLDERS ON MY SCREEN, I COULDN’T UNDERSTAND WHY NONE OF THEM WERE OPENING. THEN SUDDENLY I CLICKED.”

[BRETT ANDY]


attraction

“SURE, HE HAD ATTRACTED ALL THE RATS OF THE CITY, BUT WHAT NOW?” THOUGHT THE PIED ORGANIST TO HIMSELF.

[BRETT ANDY]


awkward

“I IMAGINE, IF YOU’RE PETER PARKER, IT’S A LOT MORE EMBARRASSING WHEN YOU GET DISCONNECTED FROM THE WEB.”

[BRETT ANDY]


missed

“POW. THE RICE CRISPY WHO LEFT BEFORE THE GROUP WENT BIG.”

[BRETT ANDY]


consequences

“AS I GLANCED DOWN ONCE MORE AT THE HEAD OF THE RASTA WHOSE HAIR I’D BEEN WORKING ON FOR THE PAST THREE HOURS, I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, “YUP. THIS IS WHAT I’VE BEEN DREADING.”

[BRETT ANDY]


eagle

“I HAD JUST SHOT TWO BIRDIES AND COULD BARELY BELIEVE THAT NOW THERE WAS THE POSSIBILITY OF ME ADDING AN EAGLE.  I TOOK MY TIME LINING UP THE SHOT. IT WAS THEN THAT THE WORLD OF BIRDS SECURITY GUARD RUDELY TAPPED ME ON THE SHOULDER.”

[BRETT ANDY]


companionship

“DO YOU THINK IT BUGS TONTO THAT HIS CLOSE COMPANION AND FRIEND IS REFERRED TO AS THE ‘LONE’ RANGER?”

[BRETT ANDY]


wolf

“PERHAPS THE PARENTS OF THE BOY WHO CRIED “WOLF” COULD HAVE BEEN MORE CAREFUL IN CHOOSING TO LIVE IN AN AREA LESS FREQUENTED BY WILD ANIMALS.”

[BRETT ANDY]


charades

“I DON’T THINK THERE CAN BE ANYTHING SADDER THAN WATCHING A MIME STRUGGLE AT CHARADES. THAT WAS YOUR CHANCE, MAN!”

[BRETT ANDY]



twelve

“MY MATHS TEACHER ASKED ME WHAT THE TECHNICAL TERM WAS FOR TWELVE TIMES TWELVE AND I SAID, “THAT’S GROSS,” COS SHE HAD A TINY PIECE OF SNOT HANGING OFF THE END OF HER NOSE.”

[BRETT ANDY]


carriage

“I WOULD IMAGINE A HORSE DRAWN CARRIAGE WOULD BE A REALLY UGLY THING. WITH HOOVES IT MUST BE ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO GRIP A PENCIL FOR STARTERS AND THEN THERE IS ALL THAT FINE DETAIL AROUND THE EDGES TO CONSIDER.”

[BRETTANDY]

 



web

“I DID A SEARCH FOR SPIDERMAN ON THE WEB THE OTHER DAY,”

[BRETT ANDY]

 

 


memories

“I REMEMBER THE TIME I HAD AMNESIA.”

[BRETT ANDY]



chips

“I’D LIKE TO SEE THEM USE REAL CHIPS AT A CASINO. THAT WAY YOU HAVE THE CHOICE OF EITHER GAMBLING OR EATING YOUR MONEY AWAY.”

[BRETT ANDY]


theatrical

“AS I SAT THERE WATCHING ROMEO AND JULIET I STARTED TO CRY. THEIR SENSELESS DEATHS REMINDING ME I NEED TO BE MORE VIGILANT WITH THE FISH FOOD.”

[BRETT ANDY]


cry

“AS I BEGAN CHOPPING THE ONIONS MY EYES STARTED TO WATER. I WAS CONFUSED. WHY WAS PREPARING DINNER MAKING ME SO EMOTIONAL?”

[BRETT ANDY]

 


productivity

“GIVE A MAN A FISH AND HE’LL EAT FOR A DAY. BUT SELL A MAN A FISH AND HE’LL EAT FOR A DAY PLUS YOU’LL HAVE ALL THAT EXTRA MONEY.”

[BRETT ANDY]


ponder

‘”2B OR NOT 2B?” PONDERED HAMLET, AS HE CONTEMPLATED HIS OPENING MOVE IN BATTLESHIPS.’

[BRETT ANDY]

 


kettle

‘MY WIFE ASKED ME TO TURN THE KETTLE ON, SO I LOOKED AT IT AND SAID, “HEY BABY, HOW YOU DOIN?”‘

[BRETT ANDY]


five

‘AFTER WATCHING THE CRICKET FOR FIVE DAYS I THOUGHT, ‘I’VE GOT TO GET ME A MORE INTERESTING BUG.”

[BRETT ANDY]

 

 


hit

“THAT’S THE LAST TIME I PLAY BLACKJACK WITH MIKE TYSON.”

[BRETT ANDY]