deep, random, humourous thoughts from the mind of the fish

Author Archive

lady macbeth

‘ “OUT OUT DAMNED SPOT!” CRIED LADY MACBETH. BUT STILL THE MUTT REFUSED TO BUDGE.’

[BRETT ANDY]

 


stripes

“I’VE ALWAYS WONDERED IF IT IS WHITE WITH BLACK STRIPES, OR BLACK WITH WHITE STRIPES. WHICH WAS FAIRLY STRANGE BECAUSE I WAS LOOKING AT A GIRAFFE AT THE TIME.”

[BRETT ANDY]


thor

‘ “I’M THOR!” HE SHOUTED AGAIN. BUT NO-ONE SEEMED TO BE CONCERNED. CURSE THAT WRETCHED LISP!’

[BRETT ANDY]


surgery

“AS I FINISHED SEWING UP THE INCISION, THERE WAS A MOMENT OF PANIC AS I THOUGHT I’D LEFT THE SCALPEL INSIDE MR JENKINS. THEN A WAVE OF RELIEF SWEPT OVER ME AS I REMEMBERED THAT I’M NOT A SURGEON, I’M THE JANITOR.”

[BRETT ANDY]

 


it’s…

“AN ITEM OF CLOTHING WAS IN A RACE WITH SOME SPORTS GEAR THE OTHER DAY. IT WAS A TIE.”

[BRETT ANDY]

 

 


drag

“I WENT DRAG RACING THE OTHER DAY, BUT THE HEELS MADE PUSHING THE PEDALS REALLY TRICKY.”

[BRETT ANDY]

 

 


fortune

“I TOSSED A FORTUNE COOKIE INTO A WISHING WELL AND INSTANTLY CREATED A BLACK HOLE.”

[BRETT ANDY]

 

 

 


fiance

“I TRIED TO CALL MY FIANCE’ BUT HER PHONE WAS ENGAGED. THAT’S A CASE OF UNPLANNED IRONY RIGHT THERE MY FRIEND.”

[BRETT ANDY]

 

 


library

‘”REDDIT” SAID FROG AGAIN AS THE LIBRARIAN’S PATIENCE WAS STARTING TO WEAR THIN.’

[BRETT ANDY]

 


rock

“SCISSORS ARE CRUSHED. PAPER IS CUT TO SHREDS. ROCK IS LYING THERE GOING, “OH NO, THERE’S A PIECE OF PAPER ON TOP OF ME, WHAT SHALL I DO?’

[BRETT ANDY]


hand

“CANNIBAL PETE WAS STRUGGLING TO GET HIS CAR STARTED, SO I OFFERED HIM A HAND, A DECISION I WOULD LIVE TO REGRET.”

[BRETT ANDY]


well

“SHE BARKED TWICE, FOLLOWING IT WITH A LOW GUTTERAL GROWL. “OH NO!” I THOUGHT, “TIMMY HAS FALLEN INTO THE WELL.”

[BRETT ANDY]

 

 


glass

“PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GLASS HOUSES, SHOULDN’T.”

[BRETT ANDY]


elephant

“THE THING I FIND FASCINATING ABOUT ELEPHANTS IS THEIR ABILITY TO SHOOT OUT A POWERFUL STREAM OF WATER FOR HOURS AT A TIME. WAIT, NOT ELEPHANTS… FIRE HYDRANTS!”

[BRETT ANDY]

 


monopoly

“PAY A R10 FINE OR TAKE A CHANCE,” MY GIRLFRIEND READ ALOUD OFF THE MONOPOLY CARD. “OKAY,” I SAID, “THOSE JEANS MAKE YOU LOOK FAT!”

[BRETT ANDY]

 

 

 


ring

“MY BOXING OPPONENT WORKED ME INTO THE CORNER OF THE RING AND THEN WILDLY RAINED DOWN BLOW UPON BLOW, BEATING ME INTO A BLOODY AND DISFIGURED MESS. AS I FINALLY SLUMPED TO THE CANVAS, I HAD TO SMILE THOUGH, BECAUSE A RING DOESN’T HAVE A CORNER.”

[BRETT ANDY]

 

 


magnet

“I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MAGNET ONCE, BUT LOOKING BACK I’M REALLY NOT SURE WHAT ATTRACTED ME TO IT.”

[BRETT ANDY]


jail

“AS THE JUDGE PRONOUNCED ME GUILTY AND THE GUARD SNAPPED THE HANDCUFFS ON AND LED ME AWAY, I HAD TO STIFLE A CHUCKLE, BECAUSE NO-ONE HAD NOTICED THE ‘GET OUT OF JAIL FREE’ CARD I HAD CAREFULLY CONCEALED IN MY BACK POCKET.”

[BRETT ANDY]


pitch

“AS I PITCHED MY TENT, I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, ‘THIS IS ONE OF THE WEIRDEST GAMES OF BASEBALL I HAVE EVER PLAYED’.”

[BRETT ANDY]


soup

“MY MOM WAS AN AVID BROTHMAKER AND ANY TIME I SWORE AS A KID SHE WOULD WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOUP.”

[BRETT ANDY]


forgive

“I RECKON I CAN FORGIVE THAT EVIL SCIENTIST WHO INJECTED ME WITH ADVANCED MEMORY SERUM, BUT I WILL NEVER FORGET.”

[BRETT ANDY]

 


salad

“I OPENED A JAR OF SALAD DRESSING THE OTHER DAY. A TOMATO SCREAMED “DO YOU MIND?” AT ME BEFORE SLAMMING THE LID CLOSED.”

[BRETT ANDY]


tip

“MY WAITRESS ASKED ME FOR A TIP THE OTHER DAY. I TOLD HER TO AVOID BEN AFFLECK MOVIES.”

[BRETT ANDY]


air-bag

“INSTEAD OF A REGULAR AIR-BAG IN YOUR CAR STEERING WHEEL, HOW ABOUT A WHOOPEE-CUSHION BAG? THE MELODIC FARTING SOUNDS AS YOU HAVE AN ACCIDENT SENDING OUT THE MESSAGE THAT WE’RE GOING TO HAVE AS MUCH FUN WITH THIS THING AS POSSIBLE.”

[BRETT ANDY]