carriage
‘I would imagine a horse drawn carriage would be a really ugly thing. For starters, it must be almost impossible to grip a pencil with hooves. Plus there is all that fine detail around the edges to consider.’ [Brett Andy]
more
‘Do you think if minutes were edible, they’d taste good enough
that we’d want to go back for seconds?’
[Brett Andy]
fairplay
‘Bob suspected that someone at his Zebra birthday party was not playing by the rules. Suddenly his worst suspicions were confirmed as he caught sight of a cheetah.’
[Brett Andy]
eyes
I would suggest that if you saw something in the sky and thought it was a bird and then later changed your mind into thinking it was a plane, but then found out it was actually a flying man, that a visit to the optometrist would not be the worst use of your time.’ [Brett Andy]
criticism
‘Before you criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then, walk half a mile in their shirt, followed by another full mile, this time in their pants. Walk two more miles in their underwear and then criticise them all you want.
Also, they’re naked.’
[Brett Andy]
envy
“I wish I had the balls to do that, I thought, as I enviously watched the juggler.”
[Brett Andy]
grammar
“I HAVE LEARNT IN LIFE THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER MAKE FUN OF SOMEONE ELSE’S GRAMMAR…
BECAUSE SHE MIGHT TURN OUT TO BE A REALLY SCARY LADY AND COME AND BEAT YOU DOWN WITH HER STICK.”
[BRETT ANDY]
genie
‘I THINK IF I WAS GRANTED THREE WISHES, I’D BE ALL LIKE, “WAIT A MINUTE, FIRSTLY, WHO ARE YOU? AND WHAT WAS I DOING CLEANING THIS LAMP?”‘
[BRETT ANDY]
average
“IF ANYONE OUT THERE THINKS I AM JUST AVERAGE AT CRASTINATING, YOU WOULD BE DEAD WRONG.
I AM A PRO CRASTINATOR!”
[BRETT ANDY]
follow
“I WAS WALKING DOWN A DARK ALLEY THE OTHER DAY UPDATING MY TWITTER WHEN I NOTICED SOMEONE HAD JUST STARTED FOLLOWING ME.”
[BRETT ANDY]
mow
“TWO DAYS INTO MOVEMBER AND I AM REALLY TIRED. I HONESTLY DON’T KNOW IF I CAN KEEP THIS UP FOR THE WHOLE MONTH…
…OH, AND I AM ALSO QUICKLY RUNNING OUT OF LAWNS.”
[Brett Andy]
commitment
“I JOINED AN ANTI-CONFORMITY GROUP, THEN IMMEDIATELY LEFT, TO PROVE TO THEM I BELONGED.”
[BRETT ANDY]
water polo
“I’VE NEVER BEEN A HUGE FAN OF WATER POLO. I THINK IT’S THE CRUELTY TO THE HORSES THAT GETS TO ME.”
[BRETT ANDY]
Brett Andy 