deep, random, humourous thoughts from the mind of the fish

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baby

‘ “STOP THROWING THE BABY OUT WITH THE BATHWATER!”  HANK KNEW THAT HIS WIFE WAS RIGHT. THAT WAS THE THIRD BABY THEY’D LOST ALREADY THIS WEEK.’ 

[BRETT ANDY]


face

“DEPUTY COLLINS REALISED HIS ERROR INSTANTLY AND TRIED TO BACKTRACK. BUT IT WAS TOO LATE. IN THE NOTORIOUSLY VIOLENT CITY OF DRY GULCH HE HAD JUST STARED SOME OF THE MOST HARDENED FIGHTERS HE HAD EVER KNOWN DIRECTLY IN THE EYES AND ASKED IF ANY OF THEM WERE BRAVE ENOUGH TO HELP HIM FORM A POSSUM.”

[BRETT ANDY]


balls

“THEY SAY YOU SHOULD GRAB LIFE BY THE BALLS, WHICH IS TRUE, BUT ALSO NEVER CONFUSE LIFE WITH ANOTHER MAN.”

[BRETT ANDY]


logic

“TWO ROADS DIVERGED IN THE WOODS AND I, I TOOK THE ONE LESS INFESTED BY HIDDEN ROBOT NINJA ZOMBIE ATTACK DOGS. AND THAT HAS MADE ALL THE DIFFERENCE.”

[BRETT ANDY]


lightbulb

“AS KERMIT THE FROG STUDIED THE X-RAYS, ALL OF A SUDDEN HIS LACK OF CHILDHOOD MEMORIES STARTED TO MAKE A LOT MORE SENSE.”

[BRETT ANDY]


robot

“I HAD NEVER SEEN A GROWN WOMAN DOING THE ROBOT DANCE WITH SUCH PRECISION AND CONVICTION AND SO AS SOON AS SHE WAS FINISHED I STOOD UP AND APPLAUDED WITH ALL MY MIGHT.  SUDDENLY SHE DREW MY ATTENTION TO THE ‘FASTEN SEAT BELT’ LIGHT FLASHING ABOVE MY HEAD.”

[BRETT ANDY]


stand

“AS GENERAL CUSTER STUDIED THE LOSSES COLUMN, HE REALISED THIS WAS PROBABLY THE END OF HIS ATTEMPTS AT MAKING IT HUGE IN THE LEMONADE BUSINESS.”

[BRETT ANDY]


swan

“AS THE UGLY DUCKLING CAUGHT SIGHT OF HIS REFLECTION IN THE POND, HE SMILED QUIETLY TO HIMSELF. NEVER AGAIN WOULD HE BE CALLED THAT HORRIBLE NAME. AND HE WAS RIGHT. FROM THAT DAY FORWARD IT WAS ‘THE UGLY SWAN’ ALL THE WAY.”

[BRETT ANDY]


seafood

“AS THE BLIND LADY ENTERED THE SEAFOOD RESTAURANT, SHE PONDERED THE IRONY.”

[BRETT ANDY]


toast

“AS I COMPLETED MY TOAST TO THE BRIDESMAIDS, THE USHERS GRABBED MY ARMS AND ESCORTED ME OUT OF THE CHURCH.”

[BRETT ANDY]


tiger

“I STARED AT THE MAN EATING TIGER AND BEGAN TO WONDER IF THIS RESTAURANT WAS A TAD TOO EXOTIC FOR MY SIMPLE TASTES.”

[BRETT ANDY]


breath

“AS THE NOOSE TIGHTENED, IT FELT LIKE MY BREATH WAS BEING FORCED OUT OF MY LUNGS AND MY WHOLE LIFE FLASHED INSTANTLY BEFORE ME. WAIT, NOT ‘NOOSE’, I MEAN ‘NECKTIE’.”

[BRETT ANDY]


dog

“THE TAXIDERMIST’S DOG SEEMED TO HAVE AN INSATIABLE APPETITE. HE WOULD EAT AND EAT AND NEVER SEEM TO BE GETTING ENOUGH. THEN ONE DAY HE WAS STUFFED.”

[BRETT ANDY]


open

“AS I MOVED MY COMPUTER MOUSE ICON OVER VARIOUS FOLDERS ON MY SCREEN, I COULDN’T UNDERSTAND WHY NONE OF THEM WERE OPENING. THEN SUDDENLY I CLICKED.”

[BRETT ANDY]


attraction

“SURE, HE HAD ATTRACTED ALL THE RATS OF THE CITY, BUT WHAT NOW?” THOUGHT THE PIED ORGANIST TO HIMSELF.

[BRETT ANDY]


awkward

“I IMAGINE, IF YOU’RE PETER PARKER, IT’S A LOT MORE EMBARRASSING WHEN YOU GET DISCONNECTED FROM THE WEB.”

[BRETT ANDY]


missed

“POW. THE RICE CRISPY WHO LEFT BEFORE THE GROUP WENT BIG.”

[BRETT ANDY]


consequences

“AS I GLANCED DOWN ONCE MORE AT THE HEAD OF THE RASTA WHOSE HAIR I’D BEEN WORKING ON FOR THE PAST THREE HOURS, I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, “YUP. THIS IS WHAT I’VE BEEN DREADING.”

[BRETT ANDY]


eagle

“I HAD JUST SHOT TWO BIRDIES AND COULD BARELY BELIEVE THAT NOW THERE WAS THE POSSIBILITY OF ME ADDING AN EAGLE.  I TOOK MY TIME LINING UP THE SHOT. IT WAS THEN THAT THE WORLD OF BIRDS SECURITY GUARD RUDELY TAPPED ME ON THE SHOULDER.”

[BRETT ANDY]


companionship

“DO YOU THINK IT BUGS TONTO THAT HIS CLOSE COMPANION AND FRIEND IS REFERRED TO AS THE ‘LONE’ RANGER?”

[BRETT ANDY]


wolf

“PERHAPS THE PARENTS OF THE BOY WHO CRIED “WOLF” COULD HAVE BEEN MORE CAREFUL IN CHOOSING TO LIVE IN AN AREA LESS FREQUENTED BY WILD ANIMALS.”

[BRETT ANDY]


charades

“I DON’T THINK THERE CAN BE ANYTHING SADDER THAN WATCHING A MIME STRUGGLE AT CHARADES. THAT WAS YOUR CHANCE, MAN!”

[BRETT ANDY]



twelve

“MY MATHS TEACHER ASKED ME WHAT THE TECHNICAL TERM WAS FOR TWELVE TIMES TWELVE AND I SAID, “THAT’S GROSS,” COS SHE HAD A TINY PIECE OF SNOT HANGING OFF THE END OF HER NOSE.”

[BRETT ANDY]


carriage

“I WOULD IMAGINE A HORSE DRAWN CARRIAGE WOULD BE A REALLY UGLY THING. WITH HOOVES IT MUST BE ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO GRIP A PENCIL FOR STARTERS AND THEN THERE IS ALL THAT FINE DETAIL AROUND THE EDGES TO CONSIDER.”

[BRETTANDY]