carriage
‘I would imagine a horse drawn carriage would be a really ugly thing. For starters, it must be almost impossible to grip a pencil with hooves. Plus there is all that fine detail around the edges to consider.’ [Brett Andy]
fairplay
‘Bob suspected that someone at his Zebra birthday party was not playing by the rules. Suddenly his worst suspicions were confirmed as he caught sight of a cheetah.’
[Brett Andy]
eyes
I would suggest that if you saw something in the sky and thought it was a bird and then later changed your mind into thinking it was a plane, but then found out it was actually a flying man, that a visit to the optometrist would not be the worst use of your time.’ [Brett Andy]
criticism
‘Before you criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then, walk half a mile in their shirt, followed by another full mile, this time in their pants. Walk two more miles in their underwear and then criticise them all you want.
Also, they’re naked.’
[Brett Andy]
envy
“I wish I had the balls to do that, I thought, as I enviously watched the juggler.”
[Brett Andy]
grammar
“I HAVE LEARNT IN LIFE THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER MAKE FUN OF SOMEONE ELSE’S GRAMMAR…
BECAUSE SHE MIGHT TURN OUT TO BE A REALLY SCARY LADY AND COME AND BEAT YOU DOWN WITH HER STICK.”
[BRETT ANDY]
genie
‘I THINK IF I WAS GRANTED THREE WISHES, I’D BE ALL LIKE, “WAIT A MINUTE, FIRSTLY, WHO ARE YOU? AND WHAT WAS I DOING CLEANING THIS LAMP?”‘
[BRETT ANDY]
commitment
“I JOINED AN ANTI-CONFORMITY GROUP, THEN IMMEDIATELY LEFT, TO PROVE TO THEM I BELONGED.”
[BRETT ANDY]
mime
“WHEN I WAS A KID I WANTED TO GROW UP TO BE A MIME ARTIST. BUT I HAD TO GIVE IT UP, BECAUSE I JUST STRUGGLED SO MUCH TO PAINT THOSE INVISIBLE ROPES AND BOXES.”
[BRETT ANDY]
balls
“THEY SAY YOU SHOULD GRAB LIFE BY THE BALLS, WHICH IS TRUE, BUT ALSO NEVER CONFUSE LIFE WITH ANOTHER MAN.”
[BRETT ANDY]
tiger
“I STARED AT THE MAN EATING TIGER AND BEGAN TO WONDER IF THIS RESTAURANT WAS A TAD TOO EXOTIC FOR MY SIMPLE TASTES.”
[BRETT ANDY]
carriage
“I WOULD IMAGINE A HORSE DRAWN CARRIAGE WOULD BE A REALLY UGLY THING. WITH HOOVES IT MUST BE ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO GRIP A PENCIL FOR STARTERS AND THEN THERE IS ALL THAT FINE DETAIL AROUND THE EDGES TO CONSIDER.”
[BRETTANDY]
productivity
“GIVE A MAN A FISH AND HE’LL EAT FOR A DAY. BUT SELL A MAN A FISH AND HE’LL EAT FOR A DAY PLUS YOU’LL HAVE ALL THAT EXTRA MONEY.”
[BRETT ANDY]
kettle
‘MY WIFE ASKED ME TO TURN THE KETTLE ON, SO I LOOKED AT IT AND SAID, “HEY BABY, HOW YOU DOIN?”‘
[BRETT ANDY]
stripes
“I’VE ALWAYS WONDERED IF IT IS WHITE WITH BLACK STRIPES, OR BLACK WITH WHITE STRIPES. WHICH WAS FAIRLY STRANGE BECAUSE I WAS LOOKING AT A GIRAFFE AT THE TIME.”
[BRETT ANDY]
it’s…
“AN ITEM OF CLOTHING WAS IN A RACE WITH SOME SPORTS GEAR THE OTHER DAY. IT WAS A TIE.”
[BRETT ANDY]
hand
“CANNIBAL PETE WAS STRUGGLING TO GET HIS CAR STARTED, SO I OFFERED HIM A HAND, A DECISION I WOULD LIVE TO REGRET.”
[BRETT ANDY]
elephant
“THE THING I FIND FASCINATING ABOUT ELEPHANTS IS THEIR ABILITY TO SHOOT OUT A POWERFUL STREAM OF WATER FOR HOURS AT A TIME. WAIT, NOT ELEPHANTS… FIRE HYDRANTS!”
[BRETT ANDY]
soup
“MY MOM WAS AN AVID BROTHMAKER AND ANY TIME I SWORE AS A KID SHE WOULD WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH SOUP.”
[BRETT ANDY]
forgive
“I RECKON I CAN FORGIVE THAT EVIL SCIENTIST WHO INJECTED ME WITH ADVANCED MEMORY SERUM, BUT I WILL NEVER FORGET.”
[BRETT ANDY]
salad
“I OPENED A JAR OF SALAD DRESSING THE OTHER DAY. A TOMATO SCREAMED “DO YOU MIND?” AT ME BEFORE SLAMMING THE LID CLOSED.”
[BRETT ANDY]
pregnant
“THE OTHER DAY I WAS SO EMBARRASSED WHEN I WENT UP TO A TOTAL STRANGER IN THE SHOPS AND CONGRATULATED HER ON HER PREGNANCY. TURNS OUT HE WASN’T!”
[BRETT ANDY]
toast
“IF I EVER BECOME PRESIDENT OF THIS COUNTRY, THE FIRST THING I’LL DO IS ORDER AN ATTACK ON FRANCE, SO WE CAN CLAIM TOAST-NAMING RIGHTS.”
[BRETT ANDY]
Brett Andy 